How to cope with the January Blues

If, like me, after a hedonistic two weeks fuelled by bucket loads of cider and great wedges of stilton, you feel fat and miserable and cannot stop farting, something, surely, must change, n'cest pas?

But if, after these two weeks of great character-building, slothfulness, contentedly oozing on sofas, or happily creating large platters of interesting, scrummdiddly little delicacies, the realisation that exercise and fruit will make you feel much happier and look a whole lot sexier, you just lay back and think; fuck it. What can one do?

Here are my five coping strategies for January when its freezing and dark outside and your too bleeding lazy to get your lycras on:

1 - Stuff your face with all the bad stuff left in the kitchen in a bid to get rid of it all in one go. Alternatively, feed it to the dog and or the children.

2 - Open the New Years papers and read all about how you can adjust your, comatose fatboy, mindset just by thinking in a more positive manner. Thus try it out on husband, dog or children: "I really do think your very handsome/fluffy/good. Do you think you could empty the dishwasher for a change?".

3 - Force yourself to smile at all around with that cheerful waft of New Year joyousness slapped on your boat race. Inwardly think good things, don't end up like Mrs Twit going all ugly just because you thought bad things, a lot.

4 - Live in the moment - stop dwelling on what a shit year this could be, with the economy tits up, the environment covered in plastic bags and old lager cans, and no prospect of a decent job or holiday. Consider all the wonderful things you do possess, however simple they may be.

5 - Get your bleeding shoes on and go for a walk - being in the fresh air and surrounded by the countryside is a sure fire way to make you feel so much happier.