What is it to be a Mother?? And whose bloody idea was it anyway??

What is it to be a mother? This god-like creature, all powerful, all controlling, was this really such a good idea and whose bloody idea was it anyway? To give us females this unbelievably responsible role...And what if your scared of it Can't handle it? Who's going to pick up the slack?

It is too much responsibility and I'm worried I'm doing it all wrong. And what is right anyway? Exactly, who the hell is right? Who is best, who has the answer? Should we really trust ourselves with this shit? Should we really presume to have all the answers in our hearts? And how in hell do you find them in there? I'm looking, and I have been for a while now, but worry I'm missing something I'm looking so bloody hard.

I'm trying to tick all the right boxes and in doing so leaving lots with just a half tick - and who, I wonder, who is checking my boxes? It's just me again, isn't it?

At what point, will I trust myself? Validate myself? Accept myself? And, at what point, will I learn to trust my children, validate them, accept them? Who wrote this complicated bloody rule book? And why isn't love enough - of that I have great oceans full.

HELP!! I'm drowning in my fear of what others think. But no-one else gives a hoot, because they are all too busy drowning in their own self-perceived nonsense!!

And why can't breakfast cereals be a simple choice? Why are there more than 100, when all I want is one that is healthy and filling and good for us all...

Over and out

The Moran Bible

"Although I've offered it all round town no-one in Wolverhampton seems remotely interested in taking my virginity, so I have concluded it's one of those things you can only get done in London - like natural looking highlights or dirty martinis. It's a specialist job..."

May I LOUDLY urge all you females out there to RUN to the bookshop and immediately purchase Caitlin Moran's How to be a Woman. I have bought six copies already for various friends and if wasn't £11.99, Ebury Press, or even, buy one get one free, I would buy many, many more and give them to everyone I know.

This book is a BIBLE for women and should be read by everyone, the quote above shows just how funny and honest Moran is. But she is also incredibly ruthless in her perception of modern feminism and uncovers the fears and truths we all, as females have, but are too afraid to say out loud or even share with each other, although we all feel the same! She touches on the dark unspoken: abortion, waxing, high heels, sexism, endless self-improvement, weight loss and gain, the media in all its ugly sexist guises.

Look out for the Moran, she is without doubt an important voice and one we should all be listening too.

How to cope with the January Blues

If, like me, after a hedonistic two weeks fuelled by bucket loads of cider and great wedges of stilton, you feel fat and miserable and cannot stop farting, something, surely, must change, n'cest pas?

But if, after these two weeks of great character-building, slothfulness, contentedly oozing on sofas, or happily creating large platters of interesting, scrummdiddly little delicacies, the realisation that exercise and fruit will make you feel much happier and look a whole lot sexier, you just lay back and think; fuck it. What can one do?

Here are my five coping strategies for January when its freezing and dark outside and your too bleeding lazy to get your lycras on:

1 - Stuff your face with all the bad stuff left in the kitchen in a bid to get rid of it all in one go. Alternatively, feed it to the dog and or the children.

2 - Open the New Years papers and read all about how you can adjust your, comatose fatboy, mindset just by thinking in a more positive manner. Thus try it out on husband, dog or children: "I really do think your very handsome/fluffy/good. Do you think you could empty the dishwasher for a change?".

3 - Force yourself to smile at all around with that cheerful waft of New Year joyousness slapped on your boat race. Inwardly think good things, don't end up like Mrs Twit going all ugly just because you thought bad things, a lot.

4 - Live in the moment - stop dwelling on what a shit year this could be, with the economy tits up, the environment covered in plastic bags and old lager cans, and no prospect of a decent job or holiday. Consider all the wonderful things you do possess, however simple they may be.

5 - Get your bleeding shoes on and go for a walk - being in the fresh air and surrounded by the countryside is a sure fire way to make you feel so much happier.